Gwyneth Paltrow is easy to hate and a lot of people do so I’m not exactly going out on a limb here. But opposed to other people who probably just get a sense of haughtiness from her demeanor and roles, I’m going to go one step further and actually justify in a reasonable way why she is, in fact, insufferable: entitled, unaware of her privilege, casually racist, snobby, haughty and condescending.
It’s hard to care about Africa when it’s filled with poor people of color without strong jaw lines and white people hair. Enter Gwynnie to finally solve the problem.
I like it because it’s an accurate portrayal that does not rely on racist stereotypes of an entire continent of vastly different people with divergent cultures, ethnicities and religions. You can tell she did her homework by reading Tin Tin Goes to Africa.
“There was a brouhaha in the beginning [of GOOP], which I thought was very interesting, because people don’t like you to step outside of your box. Also, journalists are terrified of celebrities having a journalistic voice. You can spend your life worrying about it or you can just do what you’re doing. Especially if you’re doing something just to be nice, just to share and have fun.”
I didn’t know “journalistic voices” were something that existed but they do and she has it and that’s why they all hate goop.
Her idea of being “nice, just to share and have fun,” is suggesting you buy a leather fly swatter for $52.50 as a present to someone, someone you abhor in a passive aggressive way I’m presuming. Obviously upper class flies should be treated differently the lower class flies. A plastic fly swatter would only insult an upper class fly not kill it.
“Sugar is basically a socially acceptable, legal, recreational drug, with deadly consequences—and like with any drug addiction, you have to have a flexible but structured plan to beat it.”
Her theory on why we hate her (it has two folds in it, unlike any part of her pristine body) is that she works really hard and we don’t, and also that nothing has come to her out of anything but sheer, bone crunching hard work:
“My theory is twofold. I think there’s a part of me that because I think I do a lot, I think my work ethic is the reason why I’m successful. I think that a lot of people don’t want to put in effort and it’s easier to not change, not do something good for you, not work on your relationship, not make yourself a meal, not work out. [They’re just] pissed off at someone else doing that. Everything in my life that’s good is because I worked my ass off to get it and to maintain it…I think people mistake me trying to be the best version of myself for me telling them you’re not, or they just think well, what does that make me then, you annoying f**king person on the soapbox. But I can’t please everybody, all I can do is focus on the people who seem to appreciate what I do and put into the world. I’ll just do what I’m doing because, especially now, we live in a world now where everybody is able to express their opinion.”
Let’s just let that last part really sink in and skip over the obvious parts in the beginning.
“We live in a world now where everybody is able to express their opinion.”
Back in the good old days, Gwynnie would have been tucked away in her castle far, far away from our grubby opinions and only her other celebrity friends would give her opinions on what she did. Society has deteriorated though, and the riff raff can express their opinions now too. That’s why she has to get two colon cleanses a month instead of one, it all gets clogged up so much faster.
She has covered Adele’s Turning Tables. Listen to it at your own risk and witness a beautiful song being made soulless. A song by one of the most distinctive, natural and powerful voices currently making music. Gwynnie can cover it ok. She has the voice of an angel if that angel were cross-bred with Celine Dion. At least that’s what Jessica Seinfeld, Stella McCartney, Mario Batali, and Christy Turlington keep telling her.
She got her first role from her uncle Morty, also known to some people as the obscure director Steven Spielberg. Cut to some years later and thanks to Harvey Weinstein’s mysterious magic (my personal theory is that he’s wiretapped every important person’s phone in hollywood and has damning info on them all) she beat Cate Blanchett’s unbelievable work in Elizabeth for her lackluster turn in Shakespeare in Love. That’s “earning” it, Gwnnie style.
Size of haterade chalice required: olympic sized pool
It’s like 95% hate to 5% love.
Also, I like to write long-winded rants filled with hyperbole, ad hominem attacks and armchair psychoanalysis.
I have decide to bring my joy for both of these things together.
Here are some things I will most likely rant about:
- this tumblr’s unofficial muse Natalie Portman herewith referred to only as lamportan, portafail, portavom, porthole or portstain
- Gwyenth Paltrow
- Woody Allen
- Roman Polanski
- Robert Downey Jr.
- Leonardo DiCaprio
- the Barefoot Contessa
- Giada de Laurentis
- Not Without My Daughter
- any hollywood movie that whitewashes its cast (oh lol that’s all of them)
- Judd Appatow movies
- manic pixie dream girls
- Oprah Winfrey
- the oscars
- the celebrity industrial charity complex
- Sean Penn (thank you to Apexa for reminding me of this douchenozzle)
- and onwards to infinity
I am always open to suggestions!
So, if you tend towards to the misanthropic, sarcastic, bitter and like to bathe in the waters of lake haterade as I do, please enjoy your stay. Choose a jeweled chalice from amongst our many choices and join me.
An electric fence surrounding the premises should deter stans.